Off The Rails.
Where I'm At, and Getting Back On.
You may have noticed my posts have been a bit all over the place recently, and the truth is that I’ve been quite anxious, and stressed.
None of this actually comes as a surprise. Something I started doing about a year ago is tracking my daily anxiety and stress levels and the things that are contributing to said anxiety and stress. This is helpful because when you step back and take a breath, you don’t just go “what the hell is wrong with me?”, you go — “oh yeah, I didn’t sleep or eat well, and that thing at work has been torture, so of course I’m not feeling amazing”. In the last few weeks, at least two — maybe three — major stressors have converged all at once and as a result, well, you know.
One of my major goals, both generally and for my health specifically, is to be less stressed and anxious. I’ve talked before about my health (and general anxiety) and as a friend recently pointed out to me — at this point my biggest health concern probably should be mental health.
Being stressed and anxious is legitimately bad for all kinds of body systems, but it also takes the joy out of life, which is not only a self fulfilling prophecy, but also a stain on your time here. You will never get back those hours sitting anxiously googling, and since you really don’t know how long you have, time is of the essence to not suffer twice.
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Getting over my mental health issues does feel tantamount to getting an actual train back on the rails; it’s not a simple job and there are complex interconnected factors. Getting off the rails (a process that probably started when I was a kid) is not simple, and neither is getting back on.
That being said, here are the things I am doing in no particular order.
Therapy.
I was long kind of down on therapy, I think in part because I took myself too seriously and experienced a little too much “what color do you feel?” therapy. The reality I think is that its just healthy to have someone who you can unload on, and who is fairly neutral, but who is empathetic. I think it can also be healthy to contextualize your issues, not only because it may give you a different perspective even having to explain them to someone else, but also because given your therapist isn’t a friend or family they probably have a useful alternative calibration on your issues. Many people also get some insurance coverage for this. I think therapy is best for low-level non-emergency stress, its a good way to chart a course, but not going to help you much if the ship is halfway underwater.
Exercise.
This one has been a big part of my life on and off for a decade (I talk about it a lot!), and consistently for about five years. Exercise is fascinating because to a large extent it is an uncomfortable thing which you need to decide to do, and yet it’s cathartic and you come out of it, and spend time in it, with a different perspective. It’s also always a somewhat healthy obsession thats probably going to make you better off in at least some dimensions. When I am feeling really acutely anxious, a hard run or session of weights is very powerful for taking the wind out of those feelings, and when I have just low level stress or anxiety a walk outside always leaves me feeling better - even when the weather is pretty miserable. I think getting out of your regular environment, remembering you are a living and breathing organism, and just breathing some fresh air and getting some exposure to the sky is profoundly powerful. Exercise really runs the gamut, but I actually think its most powerful when you’re totally absorbed in anxiety and need a shock to the system to remind you that “did I lock the door to the cousins house?” is not a real threat, whatever it is you are running from on this stationary conveyor is. Gentler exercise I think is just great for imparting a sense of calm, I historically have done a ton of self talk on walks (not always good), but they can also be great for a sort of formal or informal meditation where you just pay attention . . . be it to the blowing leaves, people going about their days, the birds in the sky, or the changes in your neighborhood.
Being with people.
Theres something beautifully profound about the way that just being in the company of others, but especially someone close, just causes much stress and anxiety to melt away. Its obviously (like the other things to a degree) a many factors thing, but I think at the most fundamental level its grounding. You see that other peoples lives are not perfect either, but you also see them living with that and continuing apace. Being with other people also just reminds you what life is really about, doing great work, breaking bread, having fun, and just being in the presence of the people you care about. And that experience really runs the gamut, it can put out fires, but it can also clear out the deadwood that forms fires in the first place.
Meditation.
Meditating has had a profound impact on my life in the last year, and its definitely the thing that has expanded the most to help me weather the storms of life. Meditation and what I’ve learned from it has been much more multi-faceted than I might have expected - it hasn’t just been about “chilling”. For one, reflecting on all of lifes experiences from a meta perspective, there are good times and bad times that inevitably come and go, but then also that what makes an experience bad is often incredibly thin. Theres also the way that consciousness is always there, rarely if ever coloured, happy or sad, rain or shine. Of course, the biggest thing for me has just been becoming more mindful of my attention and how often it isn’t on my actual life today and is instead on some unchangeable past or unknowable future - as it turns out, even if all we have is today, that thats pretty good. Interestingly meditation like friends is one of those powerful forces that can be great whether you feel a little uneasy (and can reflect on the way that you really feel) or are in a total existential crisis with a panic attack to boot (when you can focus on something you always have, the breath).
All of these things have come together in somewhat unpredictable ways to carry me this far. I used to have good days and bad days, but increasingly those are good mornings or bad afternoons or disappointing evenings. I may not be winning every battle, but I think I am winning the war. In the past my life revolved around crippling anxiety, and these days I can just see it, off in the distance.
Perhaps some of the wheels are coming back onto the track, and now its time to start moving, pulling the rest of the train with us.
Thank you for this thoughtful reflection and helpful suggestions, beautifully written. Wishing you continued learning and success on your journey, may it be a smooth ride. I would add that being a parent is by nature both awesome and anxious.
That was very insightful and thank you for being vulnerable on here. Portraying the antithesis of the normal social media.
Understanding what causes your stress is the first step to combat it. Still trying to work out mine, which is lack of time to pursue much of anything.
All the best for your journey, and thank you again for sharing this.